Note: I started this post three weeks ago.
The weeks are passing by quickly. I am way behind in my photo and writing endeavors. I decided that I will just move forward from today and not try to make up for all my lost days.
I have felt weary emotionally and physically for awhile. I haven't felt like my self--anxious, fatigued and emotional. I have intense hot flashes hourly, sleepless nights and migraines. Some days the hot flashes are so intense, a sense of panic comes over me and I feel like I might be consumed. I have tried to just press through but each month I feel a little more drained and a little more like I should go live in a cave in isolation.
In January I decided I needed a physical outlet. I wasn't able to walk/run much so I wanted to find something indoors. A friend had mentioned CrossFit and though I know a lot of people who do CrossFit, I was never interested. I reached out to my friend asking her why she liked CF and if I could go to the gym where she works out to see what it was like. I liked the people I met and their motto to check your ego at the door. It's competitive and supportive. It's all about you and your journey to health and strength. I like that. I signed up on the spot.
In mid-February I was still feeling exactly the same. It takes effort to do anything. Exercise is hard. Going to work is hard. Leaving work is hard. Getting out of my car sometimes feels hard. I decided to see my doctor. Long story short--my hormone levels were extremely low, plus my B 12 and vitamin D are extremely low. There is an explanation to all my madness. Everything combined made for one emotional, weary and depleted me. I made hard decisions about the path I would take for my hormone deficiency and started B 12 injections and vitamin D supplements. Menopause is no joke.
I felt a little hope rise in me that I would start feeling like myself again. After a week, I was still feeling the same. Two weeks. The same. Three weeks. The same. Time. There are no short cuts or instance fixes. It will take time to restore what is depleted.
Over the past two months that I have been doing CrossFit, I have been reminded of what little strength I have. During one work out I was trying to do a movement that involved using my core. I started to get teary. I couldn't do it. Core? What core? I was frustrated and felt awkward. When we did sit-ups, I struggled. Time. It was going to take time to grow in strength.
Facing our weaknesses is hard. Real hard. But this is exactly were I have felt Jesus near. My weaknesses are really reminders that my strength in all things comes from Jesus. In every area of my life His grace is sufficient for me. There is a paradigm when facing our weaknesses. For some of us, when we face our weaknesses, we are driven to work harder and seek perfection. For others, we shut down, we give up and run from facing those areas of our lives. There is a fear of failure and the a reminder that maybe I'm not enough.
As I have faced my changing body and started Crossfit, I am realizing the gift of my weaknesses. My body, though fearfully and wonderfully made, is still a fallen body, subject to all the things that transpire over a lifetime. I take care of it by working out, eating well and resting but still I face challenges. When I am faced with a work out at CF that is difficult and I need to modify it, I am reminded that sometimes, I just won't be able to do a movement and it's ok. I do what I can, growing in strength or as John says, I am moving from grace to grace.
As we face our weaknesses, trials and challenges, with joy, leaning into Jesus, resting in His goodness and grace, He begins working in us, steadfastness. The end of the verse says that we are made perfect and lack nothing. He supplies strength. My weakness displays His glory. My weakness displays His all sufficient grace. All eyes are on Jesus who became weak that I might be made strong. It's scandalous. The Gospel is good news even in menopause.
There are days I come home, turn on some worship tunes and lay on my floor. I simply say, Jesus, here I am. I have no words today. There are days, I send a text to a few friends and say, today is hard, please pray for me. And grace finds me and holds me and keeps me near.
Today I experienced waves of anxiousness and weariness. When I left work I decided it was best to find a place to go, sit among some unknown people and read. I headed downtown. Main Squeeze is my go to for these moments. As I was parking I noticed an elderly gentleman carrying a cardboard sign walking up the street. He stopped near my parking spot and sat on the ledge of the brick building. As I fed my meter, a thought about who and where this old man came from crossed my mind. I never have cash, but rolled up in my coin purse was $5. I said hello, introduced myself, asked his name. James. James has dark skin, a grey scruffy beard and his face looks tired. He said he was a little behind in rent. I asked if I could pray for him. He said, yes. I placed my hand on his weary shoulder and prayed. I prayed that James would know the deep deep love of Jesus. I prayed that the Good Good Father would care for him and supply all that he needs. I prayed that he would know joy and peace. He said, God bless you.
As I continued on my way, I thought about how James and I are really not that different. James and I both have needs. For some our needs seem pretty apparent. James was carrying a sign. For many we try to hide our need but we all have a deep need for hope, redemption and to know we're loved. Jesus sees each of us, the inside and the out. He sees us, hears us and provides for our rent, our weariness, our weaknesses and hot flashes.
Though I am weak, I am strong. (I can do sit-ups too)
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 2:3
The weeks are passing by quickly. I am way behind in my photo and writing endeavors. I decided that I will just move forward from today and not try to make up for all my lost days.
I have felt weary emotionally and physically for awhile. I haven't felt like my self--anxious, fatigued and emotional. I have intense hot flashes hourly, sleepless nights and migraines. Some days the hot flashes are so intense, a sense of panic comes over me and I feel like I might be consumed. I have tried to just press through but each month I feel a little more drained and a little more like I should go live in a cave in isolation.
In January I decided I needed a physical outlet. I wasn't able to walk/run much so I wanted to find something indoors. A friend had mentioned CrossFit and though I know a lot of people who do CrossFit, I was never interested. I reached out to my friend asking her why she liked CF and if I could go to the gym where she works out to see what it was like. I liked the people I met and their motto to check your ego at the door. It's competitive and supportive. It's all about you and your journey to health and strength. I like that. I signed up on the spot.
In mid-February I was still feeling exactly the same. It takes effort to do anything. Exercise is hard. Going to work is hard. Leaving work is hard. Getting out of my car sometimes feels hard. I decided to see my doctor. Long story short--my hormone levels were extremely low, plus my B 12 and vitamin D are extremely low. There is an explanation to all my madness. Everything combined made for one emotional, weary and depleted me. I made hard decisions about the path I would take for my hormone deficiency and started B 12 injections and vitamin D supplements. Menopause is no joke.
I felt a little hope rise in me that I would start feeling like myself again. After a week, I was still feeling the same. Two weeks. The same. Three weeks. The same. Time. There are no short cuts or instance fixes. It will take time to restore what is depleted.
Over the past two months that I have been doing CrossFit, I have been reminded of what little strength I have. During one work out I was trying to do a movement that involved using my core. I started to get teary. I couldn't do it. Core? What core? I was frustrated and felt awkward. When we did sit-ups, I struggled. Time. It was going to take time to grow in strength.
Facing our weaknesses is hard. Real hard. But this is exactly were I have felt Jesus near. My weaknesses are really reminders that my strength in all things comes from Jesus. In every area of my life His grace is sufficient for me. There is a paradigm when facing our weaknesses. For some of us, when we face our weaknesses, we are driven to work harder and seek perfection. For others, we shut down, we give up and run from facing those areas of our lives. There is a fear of failure and the a reminder that maybe I'm not enough.
As I have faced my changing body and started Crossfit, I am realizing the gift of my weaknesses. My body, though fearfully and wonderfully made, is still a fallen body, subject to all the things that transpire over a lifetime. I take care of it by working out, eating well and resting but still I face challenges. When I am faced with a work out at CF that is difficult and I need to modify it, I am reminded that sometimes, I just won't be able to do a movement and it's ok. I do what I can, growing in strength or as John says, I am moving from grace to grace.
Paul wrote in James 1, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing."
Over these past few months I've also received another gift. The gift of sharing my struggles and weaknesses with those around me and finding encouragement, understanding and compassion. I was recently having a conversation with a friend who has passed through menopause and is on the other side. She talked about the anxiety she experienced during that season. She got it. She understood. She shared how she walked through that time and how God met with her. It was powerful. We don't have to hide or try to prove that we've got it all together, because we don't. Everyone struggles. We all walk through difficult seasons. To give the gift of empathy and compassion, that we and the world so desperately need, breaks down walls and brings freedom to one another to receive grace.
There are days I come home, turn on some worship tunes and lay on my floor. I simply say, Jesus, here I am. I have no words today. There are days, I send a text to a few friends and say, today is hard, please pray for me. And grace finds me and holds me and keeps me near.
Today I experienced waves of anxiousness and weariness. When I left work I decided it was best to find a place to go, sit among some unknown people and read. I headed downtown. Main Squeeze is my go to for these moments. As I was parking I noticed an elderly gentleman carrying a cardboard sign walking up the street. He stopped near my parking spot and sat on the ledge of the brick building. As I fed my meter, a thought about who and where this old man came from crossed my mind. I never have cash, but rolled up in my coin purse was $5. I said hello, introduced myself, asked his name. James. James has dark skin, a grey scruffy beard and his face looks tired. He said he was a little behind in rent. I asked if I could pray for him. He said, yes. I placed my hand on his weary shoulder and prayed. I prayed that James would know the deep deep love of Jesus. I prayed that the Good Good Father would care for him and supply all that he needs. I prayed that he would know joy and peace. He said, God bless you.
As I continued on my way, I thought about how James and I are really not that different. James and I both have needs. For some our needs seem pretty apparent. James was carrying a sign. For many we try to hide our need but we all have a deep need for hope, redemption and to know we're loved. Jesus sees each of us, the inside and the out. He sees us, hears us and provides for our rent, our weariness, our weaknesses and hot flashes.
Though I am weak, I am strong. (I can do sit-ups too)
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 2:3
