dinner light & me. again.

January 30. Every meal should be by candlelight. 

January 31. me. again. It really is a vulnerable experience to photo yourself. This was taken after a long, beautiful and very full day. I am tired. My hot flashes are off the charts and my face is breaking out like I'm in junior high again. 

sleeping from sorrow

When He rose up from prayer, and had come to His disciples, He found them sleeping from sorrow. Then He said to them, "Why do you sleep? Rise and pray, lest you fall in temptation." Luke 22:45

 A couple of weeks ago I read this verse and have not stopped thinking about it since. A whole lot had transpired leading up to this moment. The disciples had just shared a meal with Jesus, one of them leaves the meal because he was about to give Jesus up to a mob. The disciples were arguing about greatness and Jesus tells Peter that before the cock crows three times, Peter would say he didn't know Him. Wow! 

Jesus took the disciples to a familiar place to them, a garden on the Mount of Olives. Jesus tells the guys to wait and pray and then He goes a short distance from them and prays to the Father. Jesus is burdened, weary. He ask for the cup to pass from Him but knows that it's the will of the Father for Him to endure the moments and days ahead. The Scripture says he was in agony and sweat drops of blood. 

As I read these words I can imagine how confused, frustrated and disillusioned the disciples felt. I can imagine they sensed something in Jesus' behavior and body language that was different than what they had experienced before. Though Jesus told them to wait and pray, they slept. Not from laziness. Not from the long hike up to the garden but from sorrow. They were sleeping from sorrow. 

I get it. There have been seasons in my life where I have fallen asleep. I didn't fall asleep like I do every evening around 10:00 but in my spirit I have slept from sorrow, weariness, doubt, fear, and frustration. 

What does Jesus mean by, "lest you fall into temptation." I think maybe he meant for them not to lose sight of His character and promises, to remember the words and what they saw Him do. To remember the meal they had just shared together. The temptation is always to doubt who He is and what He has promised. Things weren't quite going like the disciples had envisioned them. Now the One they left everything for, seemed to be burdened to a depth that none of them could imagine. So the slept. 

When Jesus returned and found them sleeping He wakes them and again encourages them to pray lest they fall into temptation. He doesn't rebuke them for sleeping. He doesn't shame them in their sorrow. It seems to me that Jesus gets it. He understands their weariness. He gets their humanness. 

Here's what's awesome to me. While they slept, Jesus prayed. He models exactly what we need. In His agony, He goes to the Father. An angel appears (disciples totally missed that since they were sleeping) and strengthens Jesus. In His agony, He prays.

Are you weary? Pray. Are you confused? Pray. Are you frustrated? Pray. Are you doubting? Pray. He will strengthen you. He will sustain you. He will draw close and love on you. He understands and He is compassionate, merciful and kind. He is strong and able.

Follow Him into the Garden. Watch. Pray. Listen. Jesus will strengthen you. He is near.

What a Savior! What a Friend! What a King!

Inside the refrigerator

January 29. Inside the fridge.

dinner & light

January 27. Dinner. Fish tacos on paper plates.

January 28. Light. I love afternoon light and shadows. 

Color

January 26. This was my laying spot today. Day two of a migraine. Quiet, don't move, keep the eyes close.

Something I Made

January 25. My treasured friend, Anna and I made these pillow covers. Anna lives in Korea. Whenever she comes to visit we usually get our creative juices going and make something. I think of her often when I see these and miss her a whole bunch. I am thankful for all the laughter and rich conversation I have with Anna. She is a treasured friend.

Something Old & Guilty Pleasure

January 23. These pieces were my Grandparents. I can still picture them sitting in their home on Wyoming Street. I always loved rocking in the rocking chair as a kid. When Zach and Lia were little I rocked them in the same chair.

January 24. I don't have too many guilty pleasures since I have so many silly allergy issues. But I do enjoy a good piece of toast with a little cutie in the morning. 

Shoes

January 22. Shoes. This is somewhat embarrassing. Why do we have so many shoes?!

Reflections

January 21. Lia's room reflections.

Snow Day!

January 20. Snow Day! Making cupcakes.

Sweet

January 19. Honey,

Hand Made

January 18. Bread. 

Water

January 17. Water. Frozen.

Morning

January 16. Morning. Unoccupied nest.  

Happiness

January 15. Hearing her play. She's been experimenting with songs and discovering what a gift playing the piano is.

What I'm reading

January 15. What I'm reading. 

Inside my bag

January 13. Inside my bag.

Up close

6 days ago the Amaryllis looked like this. 

January 12. Up close. Amaryllis in bloom.

Where I sleep

January 11. Where I sleep.

Gotcha Day & Adoption

January 10 we celebrate Gotcha Day. We also call it Family Day. The day we went from being a family of 3 to 4. This year we remembered and told the story of the days leading up to Gotcha Day. Lia loves every detail and each year ask us to tell her the whole story again. Her story, our story. It's a beautiful and challenging story. Most stories are. 

Before we were married Todd and I talked a lot about adoption. We hoped to grow our family through adoption and with biological children. After years of infertility and loss, we thought that perhaps God had always had that dream/desire in us because that is how our family would grow. How and what that looked like we had no idea. That season in our lives was difficult and stressful. We wrestled, cried a lot and grieved often. It was also a place where Jesus carried us, spoke to us through His word and brought us to a place of deep rest and hope.

In 2003 I went on a trip to China. We were actually trying to send a couple of the college students but due to school conflicts it wasn't going to work. So they said, "Hey, let's send Kim!" So I went. The trips purpose was to deliver Bibles to some of the underground house churches, meet with house church leaders and to spend a day at an orphanage loving on some babies. Every part of this trip was incredible. Challenging and incredible!

The day we spent at the orphanage was heartbreaking and wonderful. We helped feed the babies and toddlers and then played. We played a lot! We hugged and kissed and played. As I was hugging a sweet little girl named Ruthie (who I later found out was adopted by a family in Chicago) I felt the Lord say to me, "China will forever be part of your lives." Another thought quickly followed, "Our daughter is in China!" 

I don't want to overthink or over-spiritualize this too much but look at this timeline:

January 2003: First trip to China. God spoke. Somewhere in China there was a woman who just found out that she will have a baby.
September 2003: A sweet baby girl is born in China. 4 days after her birth she is brought to a safe place where she was found and taken to a local orphanage. She was left with a note and a bag of rice.
November 2003: We submit our application to start the process with an adoption agency.
January 2004: We have our first home-study.
May 2004: Our mound of documents are sent off and logged in with the Chinese officials.
November 2004: The phone call. Your daughter, Meng-Yue, is in the Yi-Yang Children's Home near Changsha, China. She is beautiful and 13 months old. We receive our first picture.
January 2005: We travel to China to bring our daughter home.

God's heart and plan is all over this! Do you see it?! 

Lia was meant to be with us and we with her. I love remembering each of these details because it reminds me of God's faithfulness, provision and His ability to lead us. Lia is our daughter. Fully. No doubt about it. Yes, she is Chinese, her birth parents make up who she is in her nature but she is our daughter and as our daughter, adopted into our family, she is loved, cared for, provided for. As her parents we protect her, teach her, train her. All the rights and privileges of being a Stewart are hers. Always.

All of this leads me to think about my own adoption. My adoption as a daughter of the King of Kings. Do I see God's hand and plan over my story? 

Ephesians 1:

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us[b] for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known[c] to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

From my mother's womb God knew me and thought of me and had a plan for me. I am not an accident. Some parts of my story are messy and broken and painful but God was weaving His grace and mercy through every detail to lead me to His glorious grace and kindness. And all the rights and privileges as a daughter of my Heavenly Father are mine. 

Remembering my redemption story is important. Not just a little important. Every day I need to hear the Gospel. Just like Lia every year wants to hear the whole story again and again, I need to hear my story. My Jesus story. How I was lost and he found me! How I was dead in my sin and He made me alive in Christ! How I was without hope and He gave me purpose! My sins are forgiven. I am never alone. He will be with me always. 

I am LOVED. No matter what! I am His!

Ephesians 1, the Message:

3-6 How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.

This doesn't even scratch the surface. So much more can be said about this. The depths and magnitude of our position as sons and daughters is something to be explored every day in this life. Today my heart is bursting with Lia's gotcha story and my own gotcha story! 

Our adoption is the highest expression of God’s love towards us. 

Gotcha!

January 10. Gotcha Day! 

Routine

January 9. Routine. 

Sky

January 8. Sky

Oh Winter! I found these grey skies and trees beautiful today. 

A few of my favorite things

January 7. A few of my favorite things.

Lia has asked me a few times this week what are some of my favorite things. The first time she asked me I replied, "What do you mean? People? Things?" She replied, "things other than people." Hmmm! That's tough. My favorite things . . . books and being outdoors and travel and candles and words and tea and good food and stories and quiet spaces and snow and shadows and sunlight and moonshine and fresh flowers and veggies and fruit. I could go on and on.This evening while I was attempting to recover from my first crossfit workout, I sat enjoying the silence of my home and grateful for the day that has passed. I noticed that the mantel is lined with several of my favorite things--books, pictures, flowers, candles, stories, Lia's art and reminders of love and adventures and treasured friends.

Makes me smile

January 6. Something that makes me smile.

11 Years ago today we boarded a plane and flew to China to bring this amazing little lady home. She makes me smile.

Something I wore. Red hat

January 5. Something I wore. red hat.

Letterbox. AKA Mailbox

January 4. Letterbox. AKA Mailbox

A man named Bill

Today I found out that a man I knew many years ago passed away. Bill was a unique man. He was  a man who loved Jesus and cared for those in our community that most don't notice--the homeless. I met Bill before I was a Christian. Though he was short in stature, he was intimidating. Bill spoke whatever was on his mind and often came across quite harsh. If you knew Bill and could look pass the harshness, you would see that there was a tenderness in him and a love for Jesus and people.

I haven't seen Bill in years. I wasn't even sure where he was. Since returning from Korea I had not seen him so today when I heard that he passed away, it surprised me. Bill in all his harshness and say it like it is, is part of my Jesus story. Often when I've shared my story, I mention Bill. He did everything I would never do and encourage others never to do--He was in my face! That is not exaggeration.

In 1987 I met a group of college students who loved Jesus. I liked hanging out with them but didn't want to go to church or hear about their Jesus. One evening a group of us were hanging out when the conversation turned towards spiritual things. I was very uncomfortable. No one was being rude or obnoxious, they were simply talking. I stayed quiet and tried to blend into the wall. That was until Bill directed the entire conversation to me. He would not relent. He asked tough questions and challenged me in ways I had not experienced before.

When I left that night I went to my friends apartment and cried. I was shaken. Bill made me think. He challenged me to think about eternity and Jesus. He told me I was a sinner. As I think about that evening I laugh. He just straight up said, "You are a sinner!" I endeavored to defend myself and was offended by his judgment. As I wrestled with his words and also the kindness shown to me by these Lovers of Jesus, something started to shift in me. A desire began to grow in me to know this Jesus that they spoke of.

As crazy as it all is and was, Bill is part of my story. In many ways he shared Christ with me in all the "wrong" ways and yet God used his servant and son to open my hard heart to the Good News that would change my life forever.

Thank you, Jesus for Bill. Thank you for the hope of eternal life and that Bill is in the joy of your presence forever.

Something I adore

January 3. Something you adore.

Adore: to love or admire (someone) very much. to like or desire (something) very much. to take great pleasure in (something)

to worship or honor as a deity or as divine. to regard something with loving admiration and devotion. 

I've thought about this all day. Something I adore. I adore my husband and my kids. There are people in my life that I take great pleasure and delight in. But my deepest adoration is for the God-Man, Jesus. His life and words challenge me, comfort me, teach me, delight me and speak to me in the deepest most profound ways. I love Jesus. And He loves me. It's all kinda crazy wonderful.

Breakfast

January 2. Breakfast.


Today was a sweet day. One of the treasures that we met in KC when we were living there was in town to visit friends. These friends just relocated to COMO from NYC. Christine and Ben now have a sweet baby girl, Amelia. Friendships that can simply start where they seem to have left off, are to be treasured. We laughed, cried, hugged a lot and had two sweet hours together. 

2016. Beginnings. Me.

Happy New Year! 2016. Wow! It seems impossible that a year has passed. I think I feel that way every year. 

I've been preparing for this new year and season for the past several days. For my birthday Todd made me a simple dream journal. On the cover it says, "she knew who she was in Christ and dared to dream." The purpose of the journal is to write down 48 dreams, prayers and experiences that may seem impossible but that I long for in this 48th year of my life. I think it's the most thoughtful and meaningful gift he's ever given me. That's not an exaggeration. I have found it a little scary to dream. The journal feels like I have permission, as scary as it might be, to dream and pursue longings in my heart this year. 

I've decided to incorporate a 365 photo project, the blog and the dream journal into the story of this next year. Each of these components are connected. Each are scary steps for me. I have researched several 365 photo project ideas and decided to follow one that would stretch me each day. I have begun to make my list of dreams and longings for this year. I will post my photo each day on the blog but also use the blog to share what I'm thinking, praying, reading, experiencing and dreaming about. I am both expectant and nervous. 

01.01.2016 

01.01.2016  Me.

What a vulnerable way to start. Take a self portrait. It's out of focus. I tried several shots but struggled to get the focus correct using the timer. The photo project is always part pleasure and part growing in skill.