day five. one moment. one mile

 one moment. watching my every move and hoping she gets to join me for the mile walk.

one mile. blue skies and sunshine today. 

day four. one moment. one mile.

 one moment. Korean jigae bowl. No jigae just potato soup.

one mile. Columbia Audubon nature area.

day three. one moment. one mile

 one moment: my afternoon reading spot.

one mile. neighborhood mile with Sadie. Breaking in my new trail shoes.

day two. one moment. one mile.

one moment: Lia likes to challenge Sadie. Think little sister annoying big sister. Sadie tolerates all of her shenanigans. 

one mile: I ventured out to a trail not far from home today. I walked 1.74 miles in the silence and beauty of ice and snow. 

1st photo taken with my Canon Rebel.

2nd with my iPhone.

One Moment. One Mile.

 One Moment. One Mile. is my 2021 photo project. I didn't pick my camera up much in 2020 and want to return to capturing the moments and beauty of my every day life. It's really a spiritual practice of noticing and gratitude for me. I am also adding more movement into my year. I hope to walk at least one mile a day. I plan to use my Canon camera for most photos but will occasionally use my phone.  

Today we woke to the trees covered in ice. The pear trees limbs glistened and crackled as the day was warming up. It looks like a magical winter wonderland as we begin 2021. I wasn't sure I would be able to sneak in my one mile walk with all of the ice but by afternoon it seemed safe enough to try. As I began my walk it began to snow. What a gift to begin 2021 in the quietness of snow falling. 

I hope you will join me on this journey and with me find beauty and hope along the way.

"Fear not! For behold!"

My last post was in March. Wow! I was just sitting here laughing to myself at how I began the year and how the year has played out. I didn't see my photo/blog writing through--which I am bummed about but it's ok. A few of my dreams for the year have been fulfilled--thankful. I have wrestled with menopause and crazy health issues--fearfully and wonderfully made and fragile. Lia started middle school and is experiencing all that brings with it--she is beautiful and spicy. Zach is a senior. A senior! We have taken senior pictures, made a college visit, been accepted to a college and ordered his cap and gown! Slow down! Todd started a new position at work and has take up creating fun things out of wood with his very own hands--speakers, an ottoman, a bench and a new bed for Lia. Life has been sweet, challenging, frustrating, confusing and good. 

The world seems crazy and out of control most of the time. Watching or listening to the news causes anxiety. Allepo, ISIS, Racism, the Presidential Election to name just a few. It's all loud and can leave me feeling hopeless and confused. I want to do something to stand against injustices and rescue the broken and be a voice for the voiceless. So in my small circle of the world I try to listen, give, serve and pray. 

I am currently reading, Unwrapping the Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp. It is a Advent devotional. This week several things struck me as I read. Habakkuk 2:1, 3:17-19

I will stand at my watch
    and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
    and what answer I am to give to this complaint.

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

¹⁹ The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Habakkuk was a prophet--that means he was a messenger--God's messenger. He was sad as he looked out over the city and saw the brokenness of the people. Things looked pretty grim. He asked God to do something. And to be quick about it. As I read Habakkuk's words they resonated in me. As I look out over the world, I see brokenness and things look pretty grim. There is a sense as you read Habakkuk's words that he wondered, "Will God come through? Will it be enough?" I ask the same things.

Ann Voskamp writes, "But God's unstoppable, unbeatable, unconditional love chases away all fears, and God's love made Habakkuk brave." 

Yes! Yes! Yes! When Habakkuk climbed the watchtower he sang out these words. In the midst of the sadness and uncertainly and failure, He reminded himself of who is True and Unchanging. All hell may be breaking out, the world may seem to be spinning out of control but I will be JOYFUL in God . . . "he saves us from the sadness and darkness and ourselves!" (ann voskamp)

Another song rang out on a dark night with a choir of angels announcing the GREATEST GIFT that would be given to our weary broken world--my weary broken heart. 

"Fear not! For behold!"

Jesus. The One who Rescues. Jesus. The One who Saves. Jesus. The One who gives Life and Hope. Jesus has come! The greatest gift, the greatest hope, the greatest joy are given in Him. I don't have to try to save myself or the world. I can stand at my watchtower and sing, 

"Glory to God in the highest, Peace and good will to all!" 

Today as I drove down Broadway, those words became my prayer, my song. In the midst of the chaos of Allepo, the uncertainty for my friend receiving chemo for cancer, the loneliness of a child who feels unheard, the injustices throughout the world and the weariness in my own body . . . I will be a bringer of the peace and hope of Jesus. 

Joy to the World! Jesus, the Rescuer has Come! Let earth receive her King.

"I will trust YOU, God, and I will watch, and I will wait. I will find joy, take joy, see joy! Rejoice and re-joys again!" (ann voskamp)

Merry Christmas! Don't be afraid. Behold!

Jesus, Menopause & CrossFit

Note: I started this post three weeks ago.

The weeks are passing by quickly. I am way behind in my photo and writing endeavors.  I decided that I will just move forward from today and not try to make up for all my lost days. 

I have felt weary emotionally and physically for awhile. I haven't felt like my self--anxious, fatigued and emotional. I have intense hot flashes hourly, sleepless nights and migraines. Some days the hot flashes are so intense, a sense of panic comes over me and I feel like I might be consumed. I have tried to just press through but each month I feel a little more drained and a little more like I should go live in a cave in isolation. 

In January I decided I needed a physical outlet. I wasn't able to walk/run much so I wanted to find something indoors. A friend had mentioned CrossFit and though I know a lot of people who do CrossFit, I was never interested. I reached out to my friend asking her why she liked CF and if I could go to the gym where she works out to see what it was like. I liked the people I met and their motto to check your ego at the door. It's competitive and supportive. It's all about you and your journey to health and strength. I like that. I signed up on the spot.

In mid-February I was still feeling exactly the same. It takes effort to do anything. Exercise is hard. Going to work is hard. Leaving work is hard. Getting out of my car sometimes feels hard. I decided to see my doctor. Long story short--my hormone levels were extremely low, plus my B 12 and vitamin D are extremely low. There is an explanation to all my madness. Everything combined made for one emotional, weary and depleted me. I made hard decisions about the path I would take for my hormone deficiency and started B 12 injections and vitamin D supplements. Menopause is no joke.

I felt a little hope rise in me that I would start feeling like myself again. After a week, I was still feeling the same. Two weeks. The same. Three weeks. The same. Time. There are no short cuts or instance fixes. It will take time to restore what is depleted. 

Over the past two months that I have been doing CrossFit, I have been reminded of what little strength I have. During one work out I was trying to do a movement that involved using my core. I started to get teary. I couldn't do it. Core? What core? I was frustrated and felt awkward. When we did sit-ups, I struggled. Time. It was going to take time to grow in strength.

Facing our weaknesses is hard. Real hard. But this is exactly were I have felt Jesus near. My weaknesses are really reminders that my strength in all things comes from Jesus. In every area of my life His grace is sufficient for me. There is a paradigm when facing our weaknesses. For some of us, when we face our weaknesses, we are driven to work harder and seek perfection. For others, we shut down, we give up and run from facing those areas of our lives. There is a fear of failure and the a reminder that maybe I'm not enough. 

As I have faced my changing body and started Crossfit, I am realizing the gift of my weaknesses. My body, though fearfully and wonderfully made, is still a fallen body, subject to all the things that transpire over a lifetime. I take care of it by working out, eating well and resting but still I face challenges. When I am faced with a work out at CF that is difficult and I need to modify it, I am reminded that sometimes, I just won't be able to do a movement and it's ok. I do what I can, growing in strength or as John says, I am moving from grace to grace.

Paul wrote in James 1, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing."

As we face our weaknesses, trials and challenges, with joy, leaning into Jesus, resting in His goodness and grace, He begins working in us, steadfastness. The end of the verse says that we are made perfect and lack nothing. He supplies strength. My weakness displays His glory. My weakness displays His all sufficient grace. All eyes are on Jesus who became weak that I might be made strong. It's scandalous. The Gospel is good news even in menopause.

Over these past few months I've also received another gift. The gift of sharing my struggles and weaknesses with those around me and finding encouragement, understanding and compassion. I was recently having a conversation with a friend who has passed through menopause and is on the other side. She talked about the anxiety she experienced during that season. She got it. She understood. She shared how she walked through that time and how God met with her. It was powerful. We don't have to hide or try to prove that we've got it all together, because we don't. Everyone struggles. We all walk through difficult seasons. To give the gift of empathy and compassion, that we and the world so desperately need, breaks down walls and brings freedom to one another to receive grace. 

There are days I come home, turn on some worship tunes and lay on my floor. I simply say, Jesus, here I am. I have no words today. There are days, I send a text to a few friends and say, today is hard, please pray for me. And grace finds me and holds me and keeps me near. 

Today I experienced waves of anxiousness and weariness. When I left work I decided it was best to find a place to go, sit among some unknown people and read. I headed downtown. Main Squeeze is my go to for these moments. As I was parking I noticed an elderly gentleman carrying a cardboard sign walking up the street. He stopped near my parking spot and sat on the ledge of the brick building. As I fed my meter, a thought about who and where this old man came from crossed my mind. I never have cash, but rolled up in my coin purse was $5. I said hello, introduced myself, asked his name. James. James has dark skin, a grey scruffy beard and his face looks tired. He said he was a little behind in rent. I asked if I could pray for him. He said, yes. I placed my hand on his weary shoulder and prayed. I prayed that James would know the deep deep love of Jesus. I prayed that the Good Good Father would care for him and supply all that he needs. I prayed that he would know joy and peace. He said, God bless you. 

As I continued on my way, I thought about how James and I are really not that different. James and I both have needs. For some our needs seem pretty apparent. James was carrying a sign. For many we try to hide our need but we all have a deep need for hope, redemption and to know we're loved. Jesus sees each of us, the inside and the out. He sees us, hears us and provides for our rent, our weariness, our weaknesses and hot flashes. 

Though I am weak, I am strong. (I can do sit-ups too)

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 2:3

Invitation

Many years ago Todd called me from campus and said, "Hey, I ran into one of my teachers today and he encouraged me to go to graduate school. I want to go to Graduate School." I cried. For the past year he had been working full-time and finishing his Chemistry degree at the University. Zach was a toddler and life was full and the thought of him continuing on in school seemed overwhelming. After listening to his story and through my tears, I said, "No. I don't want you to do that." That was that. We hung up and I went back to whatever I was doing. A hundred thoughts were flooding my mind that evening when suddenly, that still small voice broke through, "what if this is what I have for Todd? have you asked Me?" Well no, it couldn't be possible that this was God's will. I wanted to dig my heels in but I knew that it was better to pray and trust then to be stubborn. When Todd got home I said, "Give me two weeks to pray about graduate school. We won't talk about it, we'll just pray." And that is what we did. The following Fall Todd began graduate school. Jesus had invited me into a place of seeking Him, listening and trust. Our lives are filled with these invitations.

There are moments in our life when God invades our time and space and offers us an INVITATION. The invitation causes us to pause and observe what is going on around us and in our hearts. Marriage or divorce. Children. Loss. Job change. Illness. Listening to the lyrics of a song. Reading scripture. Listening to a teaching. These moments usually require a response. They are rarely moments where we remain neutral. God steps into our time and space to speak and draw us to Himself. He invites us into a place of gratitude, healing, restoration, forgiveness and life.

Invitation is offered for us to experience God's presence, great love and mercy towards us. Isn't that what we see Him do throughout the Gospels when He enters the time, space and circumstances of the lives around Him. His Mother at the wedding feast that has run out of wine. The Samaritan women at the well. The blind man in Luke who is shouting for Jesus to come near him. Nicodemus. Mary and Martha in their loss. Thomas in his doubt. Peter in his denial. The thief on the cross. 

Over the 29 years of following Jesus I can recall many of these moments where my space and time were interrupted by the Holy Spirit. These moments meant huge shifts in my heart and life. As I've been spending time reflecting on my own experiences of Christ INVITATION, I have been overwhelmed by how present and faithful God has been through this pilgrimage. The healing that came in my life when I married Todd. The loss of our first baby. The birth of Zach. My first trip to China. Bringing Lia home. Moving to KC. Moving to Korea. Returning to Columbia. Invitation has come when sin has been exposed in my heart and I'm invited into the gift of repentance. There have been moments when I've been reading scripture and I'm undone by how living God's word is. Lyrics to a song that stop me dead in my tracks while driving down Broadway and I have to pull over to catch my breath because He showed up, right there in my car and took my breath away with how much He loves me. 

How do we respond to INVITATION?

We accept. We say, YES! 

Come. Come if you're weary. Come if you're broken. Come if you're thirsty. Come if you're troubled. Come if you're dissatisfied. Come. He will give you rest. He will heal your brokenness. He will give you living water to satisfy your thirst. He will comfort you in your trouble and satisfy the longings of your soul. He is Jesus, the Lover of your Soul, the Friend of sinners
and the Holy, Righteous Son of God. 

Handwriting & A favorite photo of me

February 20. One of my goals this year is to write more hand-written letters. 

February 21. Last summer, San Juan Islands. 

Drink & Something I hate to do

February 18. I believe today was National Wine Day. Cheers!

February 19. It's not so much that I hate it, I just don't really enjoy it. 

Something New & Time

February 16. Something new. His best loaf yet. Soft and tasty inside and crunchy crust.

February 17. Time to get stronger.

Phone

February 15. Words with Friends. The only game I have on my phone--much to Lia's dismay. How can I possibly have a phone without more games? 

Heart

February 14. Because this sequence of pictures is wonderful I am posting more than one. I love them.

Color

February 13. Color. Lia moved her studio into the middle of the living room. Though this isn't my favorite spot for all of her art supplies, I loved watching her lay in front of the fire place creating her original works. One day all of her things won't trail the house so I will be thankful for a little inconvenience.

Daddy Daughter Dances

February 12. Smiles, laughter, dancing and treasured time with Dad. It's one of the sweetest things to see little girls with their Dad's or big brothers. 

Leftovers.

February 11. Leftover night with stories. Todd and I recently listened to a Spilled Milk podcast about leftovers. What makes a good or bad leftover? Tonight it was chicken noodle soup, spaghetti and meatballs and Lia of course had dumplings. 

Friends.

February 10. Oh, how I love these two beautiful humans.

Mountain Top & Black Forest

February 8. Mountain Top

February 9. Black Forest. Colorado Springs.

Katie & Marcus

February 7.  The day Katie and Marcus got married. 

Pikes Peak Cog

February 6. I've always wanted to ride the train to the summit of Pikes Peak. Today we made it to 11,500 feet. 3,000 feet short due to heavy snows and winds during the winter. It was still worth it. The views were amazing. And the 25% grade made my knees weak as we made our descent in the first car, front seat, next to the conductor. :)

You can see all the way to Kansas.

Our ride. The Cog. Developed by a Swiss man in 1891. Thank you, Swiss man!